Forget shoplifters, porch pirates, and post-Thanksgiving chaos — Ashland, Virginia had a different kind of Black Friday menace this year. Employees strolling back into their ABC liquor store on November 29 found a scene straight out of an animal-kingdom frat party: more than two dozen smashed bottles, booze puddled across the floor, and glittering shards of glass everywhere.
But the “culprit” wasn’t exactly making a run for it. Huddled in the bathroom, black-pawed and blacked-out, was a passed-out raccoon — the least discreet burglar in Hanover County history.
Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter later confirmed in a Facebook post that one of its officers responded to what they cheekily dubbed the “Black Friday break-in,” discovering “a very intoxicated raccoon.” A photo shared by the shelter shows the liquor store looking like a disaster zone, and another captures the four-legged fugitive sound asleep on his belly, inches from the toilet, proving at least one of them knew where to find the bathroom.
The shelter added that “after a few hours of sleep and zero signs of injury (other than maybe a hangover and poor life choices), he was safely released back to the wild, hopefully having learned that breaking and entering is not the answer.” A lesson we can only hope he remembers the next time he stumbles past a liquor aisle.
Naturally, the furry drunk became an instant celebrity. Local station ABC 8 in Richmond even ran a “Crime Alert” segment — because apparently raccoon alcoholism now qualifies. Co-anchor Eric Philips called it “one of the wildest stories” they’d ever covered, while he and co-anchor Heather Hope shared viewer reactions that poured in.
And the internet did not disappoint.
One viewer quipped: “The bottom shelf stuff will get you like that,” complete with a crying face emoji. Another applauded the critter’s composure, saying: “At least he made it to the bathroom… some of us humans can’t even do that!”
And perhaps the line of the week: “I’ve heard of drunk as a skunk, but never drunk as a raccoon.”
Meanwhile, in the ongoing saga of animals behaving badly, cops in Iowa had to respond to a hair salon back in June after a rogue baby deer broke in and created its own beauty-shop bedlam.
So yes — it’s been a year of wild crimes.
Ashland’s tipsy raccoon may be out of custody, but his legend is just beginning.
