TOTAL BS:
WASHINGTON — Sen. Cory Booker unveiled a groundbreaking immigration fact-checking system Thursday capable of determining the complete truth about an ICE arrest without examining anything that happened before the camera started recording.
The new technology, known as ContextAway™, automatically scans viral immigration stories and removes unnecessary details including prior deportations, illegal reentries, immigration court records and anything else that could make the situation more complicated.
“Americans are overwhelmed with context,” one Democratic aide explained. “Sometimes they just want to know how to feel.”
Booker reportedly demonstrated the technology using the case of Liam Tadeo, a 5-year-old whose emotional separation from his father became the focus of the senator’s criticism of immigration enforcement.
With one click, ContextAway™ identified the essential facts:
A little boy.
His dad.
ICE.
Booker smiled.
“See?” he reportedly told aides. “Much clearer.”
The software then detected information that the boy’s father had previously been deported and later illegally reentered the United States.
A large red warning immediately appeared:
CONTEXT DETECTED
DELETE?
Booker selected “YES.”
Developers said the software includes several other features designed to simplify complicated immigration stories.
Its popular “Dad Mode” automatically replaces lengthy immigration histories with the phrase “hardworking father.”
A separate “Viral Clip” setting discards any event occurring more than 30 seconds before a video begins.
The premium version can even detect DHS records and automatically minimize the browser window before the user accidentally reads them.
Booker praised the breakthrough as an important tool for lawmakers navigating an increasingly complicated information environment.
“People don’t need every detail,” one aide said. “That’s why we have senators.”
Engineers cautioned that ContextAway™ remains in beta testing after one congressional staffer accidentally clicked “Read More” and was exposed to a second paragraph.
The employee is reportedly recovering.
TOTAL BS DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Cory Booker has not developed ContextAway™, “Dad Mode” or software that automatically minimizes DHS records. As far as we know.
For the real BS: Read our report on the heartbreaking ICE story Booker told — and the rather important part he left out.
