TOTAL BS!
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Census Bureau is preparing to expand its racial classification system with a new designation officials say reflects significant changes in how some Americans identify themselves.
The proposed category — “non-practicing white” — would be available alongside existing racial classifications on selected federal forms, with broader adoption expected following a public review period.
Officials familiar with the proposal said the change is intended to accommodate Americans who remain technically white but no longer actively participate in it.
The designation gained sudden national attention following the Lindsay Clancy murder trial, when a supporter discussing the case described herself as a “non-practicing white.”
Federal demographers immediately recognized they had somehow failed to count an entire population for more than two centuries.
The discovery has already triggered approximately 14 new federal diversity forms and given millions of Americans a way to finally describe that complicated period between buying a Subaru and putting a “Be Kind” sign in the front yard.
Under the proposed Census form, Americans will now be asked to select one:
□ White
□ Black or African American
□ Asian
□ American Indian or Alaska Native
□ Native Hawaiian or Pacific Islander
□ Two or more races
□ White, but currently not practicing
Federal officials stressed that “non-practicing white” should not be confused with “lapsed white,” which generally applies to people who still own a Crock-Pot but haven’t watched an episode of Yellowstone in more than six months.
Applicants selecting the new category may be asked several follow-up questions.
Have you recently apologized for something your great-great-grandfather may or may not have done?
Do you own more than three books containing the phrase “do better”?
Have you ever begun a sentence with, “As a white person, I just want to listen”?
And, most importantly:
When somebody tells you a juror is Black, does it “change the landscape of the conversation”?
Officials are reportedly still working on the trickiest part of the classification system: determining exactly how someone stops practicing whiteness. One proposal would establish a point system.
- Driving a Volvo: minus 2 white points.
- Mayonnaise: plus 4.
- Reusable grocery bags: minus 3.
- Calling Target “Tar-jay”: immediate recertification.
Officials cautioned that racial status could change without warning. “You may go to bed non-practicing and wake up fully practicing because you complained about the thermostat,” one Census employee explained.
The government is also reportedly considering a mobile app allowing Americans to monitor their status in real time. Working title: 23andMeh.
This is BS satire. The Census Bureau has not created a “non-practicing white” category, nobody is measuring your mayonnaise consumption, and your Crock-Pot remains constitutionally protected.
For the real BS read this — ‘Non-practicing white’: Lindsay Clancy fan explains not commenting on Black ‘holdout juror’ revelation
