The Iranian delegation headed to New York this weekend with an important message for Americans: They are absolutely, positively not excited to be there.
Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Esmaeil Baghaei said being in New York held “absolutely no charm” for Iranian representatives, describing attendance at the United Nations General Assembly as a legal right and a diplomatic duty.
Fair enough.
But according to Ali Shoppin, a senior adviser traveling with the Iranian delegation, the group did have several purely diplomatic questions: What time does Fifth Avenue close? Does Rolex take walk-ins? And is there technically a Costco located inside the U.N. diplomatic travel zone?
The questions became particularly urgent after the State Department imposed strict restrictions on where Iranian officials can go while visiting Manhattan.
Washington has limited the delegation largely to its accommodations and the U.N., with State Department spokesman Tommy Pigott accusing Iranian officials of wanting to use their New York visits for “shopping sprees.” U.S. officials have also specifically targeted transactions at big-box retailers including Costco, Walmart and Sam’s Club.
Iran vehemently denied being disappointed. “We have no interest whatsoever in American consumer goods,” Shoppin insisted while attempting to determine whether Saks Fifth Avenue qualifies as sovereign territory.
“New York is a completely charmless city,” he added. “Now please tell us whether the Apple Store closes at 9 or 10.”
Diplomatic tensions reportedly escalated after officials learned that “absolutely no charm” also describes several neighborhoods containing some of Manhattan’s better restaurants.
Shoppin, who by this point had reportedly been promoted to deputy minister for retail diplomacy, was seen studying a map while repeatedly muttering, “This is diplomatic reconnaissance.”
He also wanted to know whether a Rolex purchased during a bilateral meeting could technically be classified as a “timekeeping instrument essential to negotiations.”
The State Department was unmoved. Iranian officials will be allowed to attend U.N. meetings, conduct diplomatic business and return to their accommodations. Anything involving Fifth Avenue apparently requires divine intervention.
At press time, Tehran continued insisting that New York held absolutely no charm whatsoever.
It did, however, ask whether someone could pick up two iPhones, a KitchenAid mixer and “maybe one of those little Statue of Liberty snow globes” on the way to the airport.
TOTAL BS is SATIRE: The real news: Iran’s Foreign Ministry spokesman really did say New York holds “absolutely no charm” for its representatives as the Iranian delegation faces unusually strict movement and shopping restrictions during U.N. week. Ali Shoppin, the Rolex emergency and the KitchenAid crisis are TOTAL BS.
For the real BS read this — Fox News: Trump, Iranian president converge on NYC for UNGA amid tight restrictions
