TOTAL BS!
WASHINGTON — Democratic strategists have unveiled their boldest plan yet to win over younger voters: bring back Sha Na Na.
The party’s new youth outreach initiative, tentatively titled “Rock Around the Ballot,” aims to reconnect with a generation of Americans who remember when television had three channels, gasoline cost less than a dollar, and a presidential candidate could campaign without explaining what a pronoun was.
“We’ve spent years trying to understand Gen Z,” said Democratic outreach director Marty B. Groovin. “Then somebody pointed out that we already have an entire generation of voters who know the words to ‘At the Hop.’ Why reinvent the wheel?”
The breakthrough followed reports that Sha Na Na frontman Jon “Bowzer” Bauman has been working to energize Pennsylvania voters.
Party officials immediately recognized an opportunity.
“Bowzer has something our consultants have been trying to manufacture for years,” Groovin explained. “Name recognition among people who still answer calls from unknown numbers.”
The Democratic National Committee has ordered 40,000 campaign buttons reading “MAKE AMERICA DOO-WOP AGAIN,” although staffers quickly withdrew the slogan after someone noticed it sounded suspiciously familiar.
A replacement slogan, “The Future Is Yesterday,” is now undergoing focus-group testing at retirement communities in six battleground states.
The campaign’s ambitious digital strategy includes a nationwide MySpace relaunch, voter registration booths at early-bird buffets, and a revolutionary new app that reminds supporters to rewind their VHS tapes before returning them to Blockbuster.
Consultants are also developing a TikTok strategy, though initial testing revealed that most of their target audience believes TikTok is the sound a grandfather clock makes.
“We’re not living in the past,” insisted senior strategist Donna N. Denial. “We’re bringing the past into the future. Preferably before 5 p.m., because our voters don’t like driving after dark.”
The initiative has received enthusiastic support from Democratic veterans, although one campaign adviser cautioned against making the movement too youthful.
“Sha Na Na is fine,” the adviser explained. “But if we really want to reach the kids, we should see whether Lawrence Welk is available.”
A party spokesman later clarified that Welk died in 1992.
The campaign committee has scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss whether that constitutes a serious obstacle.
TOTAL BS is SATIRE! For the real BS stories read: Democrats want a fresh start — so here come Bill and Hillary Clinton
