CHAPPAQUA, NY — Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has endorsed an ongoing Democratic Party experiment to determine how many socialists can be added to the party before Republicans begin winning elections by default.
Clinton described the experiment as “healthy” this week as Democrats evaluate whether socialist candidates can improve the party’s standing with younger voters without causing permanent damage to its ability to communicate with Americans who own property.
The project began after researchers identified growing support for socialism among young voters struggling with the cost of housing, groceries and other necessities.
Democratic officials concluded that the findings warranted further study of an economic system with an extensive historical record involving shortages of housing, groceries and other necessities.
Initial trials have been encouraging.
Researchers successfully introduced socialist candidates into heavily Democratic districts with no measurable decline in Democratic voter registration.
The next phase will move selected candidates into politically competitive environments.
“We know they can survive in Brooklyn,” said a Democratic strategist involved with the project. “What we don’t know is what happens when one comes into sustained contact with a married homeowner in Bucks County.”
Participants will be exposed gradually to moderate voters under controlled conditions. Researchers will monitor approval ratings, campaign contributions and the number of times candidates use the phrase “working families” before proposing government ownership of something.
Emergency procedures have also been established.
Any candidate who begins discussing nationalization within 500 feet of a Pennsylvania diner will immediately be returned to New York.
Republicans have strongly endorsed the experiment and offered to provide free transportation for socialist candidates to Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.
“The American people deserve the largest possible sample size,” an RNC official said.
Clinton brings considerable experience to the project.
In 2016, she supervised one of the largest political experiments in American history, testing whether Donald Trump could actually be elected president.
Researchers had initially predicted he could not.
The study has since been cited extensively.
Democrats stressed that the current trials should not be interpreted as evidence that the party itself has become socialist.
“There is no socialist takeover of the Democratic Party,” a senior party official said before an interview at DNC headquarters was briefly interrupted by workers installing a government grocery store in the conference room.
Officials said the store was part of a separate pilot program.
At press time, researchers reported an unexpected development after one test candidate was informed that billionaires would continue to exist under the proposed system.
The candidate escaped containment.
Authorities advised residents of Brooklyn to remain indoors until she could be safely returned to the primary.
TOTAL BS DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Events and quotations may be fictional. The real news that inspired this nonsense is unfortunately very real.
THE REAL BS: Hillary thinks Democrats experimenting with socialism is ‘healthy.’ What could go wrong?
