TOTAL BS!
PARIS — The French government has approved an emergency expansion of the Arc de Triomphe after President Donald Trump’s planned 250-foot triumphal arch in Washington left officials concerned that France’s most famous monument now looks “a little adorable.”
The decision came after Trump was reportedly shown a side-by-side comparison of the two structures and asked which one was French.
“The little one?” Trump said, according to people who were definitely not in the room.
“Yes, sir.”
“Cute.”
French President Emmanuel Macron convened an emergency meeting within the hour.
Officials initially insisted that the 164-foot Arc de Triomphe had stood proudly over Paris for nearly two centuries and did not need to compete with an American monument.
That position reportedly lasted until somebody translated “cute” into French.
Engineers have now been instructed to add at least 90 feet to the structure, putting France narrowly ahead of Trump’s planned arch.
The White House responded by asking the Interior Department whether another 100 feet could be added to the American version.
“President Trump has always believed America deserves the greatest, most spectacular and most beautiful arch in the world,” one administration official said. “Obviously, if France makes theirs bigger, ours will have to become more beautiful.”
Asked whether “more beautiful” meant “taller,” the official said yes.
French planners are also reportedly considering several additional upgrades, including gold eagles, a rooftop restaurant and a large illuminated sign reading LE ORIGINAL.
The dispute has alarmed other countries.
Italy has ordered engineers to measure the Colosseum.
Britain has placed Big Ben under 24-hour surveillance.
Egypt has reportedly stopped returning calls from the White House concerning the height of the Great Pyramid.
The competition could become considerably more expensive once construction begins.
Interior Secretary Doug Burgum announced Thursday that excavation for Trump’s real triumphal arch near Arlington National Cemetery is expected to begin within two weeks. The planned structure will stand approximately 250 feet tall — roughly 86 feet taller than the Arc de Triomphe.
Trump has previously made his architectural philosophy clear.
Presented with small, medium and large versions of the proposed American arch, the president said the large version looked “by far the best.”
French officials now understand why.
Negotiations between Washington and Paris are expected to continue until one country runs out of concrete.
This is TOTAL BS — satire inspired by real news. The news is real. The TOTAL BS is intentional.
For the real BS read this — Trump’s gigantic triumphal arch is actually about to start going into the ground.
