TOTAL BS!
Hunter Biden announced Monday that his famous laptop has completed its remarkable journey from abandoned computer to Russian disinformation to authenticated evidence and will now begin accepting cryptocurrency.
The move represents Biden’s latest effort to capitalize on the notoriety surrounding the computer, which has figured prominently in American politics for more than half a decade.
“It was time to monetize the brand,” Biden reportedly told advisers while attempting to remember the password.
Under the new $LAPTOP program, investors will be able to own a tiny piece of the computer that launched approximately 47 congressional investigations, 9,000 cable-news panels and one extremely awkward conversation at the Biden family Thanksgiving table.
People familiar with the project said the investment structure will include several participation levels.
For $10, investors receive one commemorative token.
For $50, they receive a token plus an authentic deleted email.
For $500, Hunter will explain what “10% for the big guy” definitely did not mean.
And anyone investing $10,000 or more will be introduced to someone overseas who is extremely interested in meeting their father.
Developers involved with the project said $LAPTOP will also incorporate a number of security features intended to distinguish the token from other cryptocurrencies.
Transactions may disappear without warning.
Wallets automatically lock themselves whenever congressional investigators approach.
And every suspicious transfer generates a pop-up informing users that 51 former intelligence officials have determined there is nothing to see here.
Questions have also been raised about the volatility traditionally associated with cryptocurrency investments.
Project representatives sought to address those concerns by noting that $LAPTOP has already survived Twitter suppression, Facebook throttling, congressional subpoenas, federal investigators and six straight years of cable television.
“Frankly, Bitcoin wishes it had this kind of durability,” one adviser said.
The project is also expected to offer an optional Russian Disinformation Protection Plan.
For an additional $19.99 per month, any information investors don’t like will automatically be labeled a Kremlin influence operation until approximately two years after everyone discovers it was real.
Initial interest in the project has reportedly been substantial.
Within hours of the announcement, more than a dozen imitation $LAPTOP coins appeared online, proving once again that nothing involving Hunter Biden can remain confined to one laptop.
The venture also reportedly received a positive response from within the Biden family.
Joe Biden was said to be delighted by his son’s latest business venture.
Asked whether he planned to invest, the former president smiled.
“I’ve never discussed my son’s business dealings.”
The wallet was already open.
