TOTAL BS!
WASHINGTON — After years of lengthy statements, carefully crafted talking points and communications aides politely explaining why reporters have gotten something wrong, the White House may have discovered a much more efficient strategy: “You buffoons.”
The breakthrough came this week when the official White House Rapid Response account responded to a Los Angeles Times characterization of President Trump’s remarks about Iran with the unusually concise correction: “No, he didn’t, you buffoons.”
White House Communications Director Steven Cheung was somewhat more diplomatic, describing the ensuing coverage as a “media freakout” that was “not rooted in reality.” The administration said Trump had been talking about preventing a nuclear Iran from ever gaining the ability to threaten American cities.
But the response apparently did more than settle the dispute.
According to officials with the newly formed White House Office of Message Efficiency, the administration was so impressed by the speed and clarity of the two-word “you buffoons” formulation that it has been incorporated into a broader communications overhaul.
“It tested extremely well,” said Chip Bluntly, deputy director of the Office of Message Efficiency. “People immediately understood both the administration’s position and what we thought of the question. That’s very difficult to accomplish in two words.”
Bluntly said the initiative, internally known as the Rapid Unified Response Protocol — or RURP — is intended to eliminate lengthy statements when a considerably shorter response will do.
Under the new system, reporters submitting questions to the White House will be assigned to one of four response categories:
“NO.”
“NO, HE DIDN’T.”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT HE SAID.”
And, for particularly challenging cases, “YOU BUFFOONS.”
“We used to have six categories,” Bluntly explained. “But ‘Are you kidding me?’ and ‘Did you even watch the clip?’ created too much paperwork.”
The change is expected to dramatically reduce the workload of the White House communications staff.
Previously, aides might spend 45 minutes composing a 600-word statement explaining why a viral social-media post had removed context from something Trump said. The same matter can now be resolved in approximately four seconds.
The White House Office of Government Linguistic Efficiency — known internally as O.G.L.E. — will oversee implementation and is reportedly considering additional efficiencies.
Press releases exceeding two pages will automatically be replaced with “READ IT AGAIN.”
Questions beginning with “Some critics say…” will receive an immediate “OF COURSE THEY DO.”
Any inquiry containing the phrase “constitutional crisis” more than twice will be forwarded directly to the buffoon department.
CNN requests will reportedly receive a personalized response based on severity, ranging from “Come on, guys” to “Did you actually watch the clip?”
The New York Times will receive a complimentary annual subscription to “NO.”
And reporters who send the White House a 17-part question at 4:57 p.m. demanding answers by 5:15 will receive an automated message reading: “LOL.”
The streamlined approach could also save taxpayers millions.
An Office of Message Efficiency analysis found that the federal government could eliminate thousands of hours of communications work simply by installing three enormous buttons in the West Wing marked “FALSE,” “RIDICULOUS” and “BUFFOONS.”
President Trump has not commented on the proposed system.
But Chip Bluntly remains confident. “The president appreciates efficiency,” he said. “And he already knows all the words.”
TOTAL BS is SATIRE. For the real BS read: White House Fires Back at Critics After Trump’s Remark That Iran Can ‘Take Out a City’
