TOTAL BS!
WASHINGTON — Major television news networks are reportedly reviewing their breaking-news procedures following President Donald Trump’s surprise announcement Friday of a diesel agreement with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Trump announced that Russia would supply millions of tons of diesel to American and global markets in an effort to lower fuel prices. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky criticized the agreement, while European diplomats were already engaged in discussions with U.S. officials about ending the war.
The rapidly developing story prompted renewed discussions among television executives about how to report presidential announcements before everyone involved has finished reacting to them.
Under a proposed industry-wide protocol, networks would continue using their familiar red BREAKING NEWS banners, but each would carry an expiration date.
An announcement involving international diplomacy would receive a 90-minute shelf life. Economic announcements would remain valid until the next market opening. Presidential social media posts would be classified as perishable goods.
A network executive familiar with the proposal said the goal was to reduce confusion without interfering with the industry’s longstanding commitment to being first.
The committee also recommended introducing a new banner reading PLEASE WAIT WHILE WE FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED, although several executives worried the wording might encourage viewers to change channels.
A competing proposal would require anchors to distinguish between what the president announced, what the White House meant, what foreign governments understood, and what the network’s panelists wish had happened.
The distinction proved difficult during a preliminary exercise when all four categories were placed under the heading BREAKING NEWS.
Additional recommendations include a mandatory 15-minute cooling-off period before describing any presidential phone call as historic, disastrous, unprecedented, or the beginning of World War III.
CNN reportedly requested an exemption for situations involving all four.
MS NOW proposed a separate category titled BREAKING NEWS WE ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED TO PROCESS.
Fox News suggested simply reporting what the president said and waiting for additional information, but the committee determined that approach would require further study.
The networks are expected to announce their final guidelines once they have established whether the meeting discussing them actually took place.
TOTAL BS is SATIRE. The news is real. The TOTAL BS is intentional.
For the real BS, read this — Axios: Trump announces major diesel deal with Putin, infuriating Ukraine.
