TOTAL BS! 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — CNN has reportedly offered to cooperate with the Justice Department’s investigation into coordinated White House press-pool coverage, agreeing to turn over confidential emails, internal communications and damaging information about MSNBC in exchange for immunity.

The proposal came after federal investigators began examining whether five major television networks violated antitrust laws through coordinated decisions involving White House press-pool coverage.

CNN immediately retained Washington attorney Richard A. Collusion, whose firm specializes in antitrust defense, corporate immunity and explaining why everyone attending the same secret meeting was merely a coincidence.

“We intend to cooperate fully,” Collusion said. “Our clients are prepared to identify everyone involved, provided none of those individuals currently works at CNN.”

The network’s initial submission reportedly included 14 years of confidential emails, three former anchors and a 247-page dossier titled How MSNBC Made Us Do It.

Justice Department investigators pointed out that MSNBC, now known as MS NOW, wasn’t even one of the five networks under investigation.

Collusion called that “a troubling investigative oversight.”

“MSNBC has been coordinating things for years,” he explained. “They coordinate programming, commercial breaks and even their opinions. At some point, somebody has to ask questions.”

CNN also submitted a series of group emails in which representatives of five networks discussed their plans, agreed on a common response and reminded one another not to describe the arrangement as coordinated.

One email, titled EVERYBODY ACT INDEPENDENTLY AT THE SAME TIME, reportedly attracted particular attention.

CNN retained media expert Dr. Miles A. Part, director of the Institute for Independent Group Decisions, to explain.

“There’s a fundamental difference between five networks conspiring to do something together and five networks independently agreeing to do exactly the same thing together,” Part said.

Asked to explain the difference, Part said he needed to consult the other four experts.

The investigation soon prompted concern among competing broadcasters.

ABC reportedly retained attorney Warren T. Immunity, who advised executives not to discuss the investigation with rival networks. ABC immediately scheduled a conference call with CBS, NBC, CNN and Fox News to discuss that advice.

CBS proposed issuing a joint statement declaring that no joint decisions had ever been made. NBC suggested forming an independent committee to approve the statement.

Fox News asked whether CNN’s White House briefing-room seat would become available if the network entered a plea agreement.

By late afternoon, investigators had received 11 hard drives, six contradictory explanations of the same press-pool decision and a request from the National Association of Uncoordinated Broadcasters to delay proceedings until its members could agree on a unified defense.

The association’s president, Constance S. Census, warned that the investigation threatened independent journalism. “America’s broadcasters must be free to make their own decisions,” Census said. “And when those decisions are identical, they must be free to explain them using identical language.”

CNN’s final immunity proposal reportedly included restoration of its preferred White House seating arrangements, exclusive rights to televise the agreement and permission to continue calling itself “The Most Trusted Name in News.”

Justice Department officials declined to address the third request, explaining that the department investigates antitrust violations, not advertising claims.

CNN immediately assembled seven political analysts to discuss whether the response constituted an attack on press freedom.

All seven agreed that it did.

Investigators later discovered the panelists had been given their conclusions in advance. Collusion dismissed the finding. “Seven independent experts reaching the same conclusion isn’t coordination,” he insisted.

“It’s CNN.”