TOTAL BS!
NEW YORK — Following surprise inspections by Dr. Mehmet Oz that uncovered suspicious Medicaid billing practices and attendance records bearing dates that hadn’t yet occurred, several New York senior centers have announced an innovative new program allowing elderly residents to attend daycare years before they arrive.
The program, called Lifetime Attendance Guarantee, allows families to reserve senior-care services through the year 2095, including for relatives who have not yet been born.
“We believe in planning ahead,” explained program director Seymour Billings. “Why wait until somebody turns 65 when Medicaid can begin preparing for their retirement today?”
The program reportedly emerged after Oz visited senior centers in Queens and discovered attendance records dated several days into the future.
Rather than dispute the findings, Billings praised the facilities for pioneering what he called “anticipatory attendance.”
“Traditional daycare centers wait for seniors to show up before recording their attendance,” Billings explained. “That’s an outdated business model. We’re eliminating unnecessary delays between the taxpayer’s money and our bank account.”
Under the new initiative, families can enroll children, grandchildren and future great-grandchildren in a comprehensive senior-care package that includes recreational activities, transportation and unlimited mahjong.
Participants are automatically marked present unless they provide proof they haven’t been born yet.
Even then, exceptions are available.
“Nobody should be denied quality senior care just because they don’t technically exist,” Billings said. “That’s discrimination against future generations.”
The program also introduces Remote Mahjong Participation, allowing beneficiaries to receive federally funded game sessions without traveling to the facility, touching a mahjong tile or knowing how to play.
“Some of our most satisfied customers have never set foot in the building,” Billings explained. “One gentleman has attended faithfully every Tuesday since 2037.”
Oz reportedly expressed concern that 2037 remains eleven years away.
Billings assured him the man had excellent attendance.
The centers are now seeking federal approval for their newest innovation: Posthumous Attendance, which would allow seniors to continue receiving services indefinitely after death.
“Just because somebody passes away doesn’t mean we should abandon them,” Billings explained.
“Especially when their Medicaid card still works.”
TOTAL BS is SATIRE based on real news. For the real story READ: Feds hit senior centers, Dr. Oz suspects ‘Chinese mafia’ behind NYC Medicaid fraud — seniors paid $1,200 to play along
