OTTAWA — Canada retaliated Friday against President Donald Trump’s decision to rename Lake Ontario “Lake America,” announcing that Niagara Falls will henceforth be known as “Carney Falls.”
Prime Minister Mark Carney unveiled the new name after an emergency meeting of Canadian officials charged with finding something Americans really like and putting “Carney” on it.
“We considered Lake Erie,” Carney said. “But frankly, Erie has suffered enough.”
Canadian officials declared that “Carney Falls” applies to both sides of Niagara Falls, including the American portion.
When reporters pointed out that Canada can’t rename anything in New York, Carney said his legal team was looking into it.
“Unfortunately, they’re all busy figuring out how we lost Lake Ontario.”
Trump responded almost immediately.
“Carney Falls? Terrible name,” the president wrote on Truth Social. “Sounds like a place where you break your hip.”
Trump then announced a 50% tariff on Canadian waterfalls.
Administration officials explained that because Canadian water flows over Niagara Falls into the United States, it qualifies as an imported product.
“We’ve been letting Canadian water into this country duty-free for years,” one official said. “Those days are over.”
Ontario Premier Doug Ford threatened to retaliate by shutting off Canada’s half of Niagara Falls every night at 9.
Trump loved the idea.
“Let him do it,” the president told reporters. “We’ll replace it with beautiful American water from Lake America.”
By lunchtime, Canadian officials were reportedly urging Carney to end the dispute before Trump remembered that three other Great Lakes also touch Canada.
Carney refused.
“We will not be bullied,” he declared. “Canada is a sovereign nation, and Canadians will decide what Canadian places are called.”
Later, a reporter asked Trump whether he planned to rename anything else.
“No,” Trump said. “I think we’re basically done.” He paused. “Although Canada could use a better name.”
“What would you call it?” the reporter asked.
“North America,” the president replied decisively.
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