I learned something disturbing Thursday.

Princess Diana is violent.

I know. I was shocked too.

I’ve known this woman a long time. She’s America’s Princess of Policy. She’s sophisticated. She’s thoughtful. She’s charming.

Apparently, behind closed doors, she’s committing acts of violence against buildings.

And she’s not alone.

There’s an epidemic.

It started, naturally, in Washington.

President Trump has been battling over what to do with the Kennedy Center, which he says is in terrible physical condition and needs extensive repairs. Then somebody photographed him aboard Air Force One looking at a large document.

Part of the heading was visible.

Something about the Kennedy Center.

And something beginning with “demo…”

Oh boy.

Washington immediately began playing Wheel of Fortune.

Can I buy a vowel?

Can I buy a consonant?

DEMO…

DEMOLISH?

Soon there were lawyers, emergency court filings and fears that Trump might demolish the Kennedy Center.

Here’s the important part: As even the Washington Post reported, the photograph did not establish what the document actually proposed, who prepared it or whether Trump was considering demolishing the entire building.

Nobody knew.

Which has never stopped Washington before.

Then Rep. Jonathan Jackson of Illinois appeared.

And Jonathan Jackson taught me something.

Speaking about Trump and the changes to Washington buildings, he said the administration has a “proclivity” toward “violence.”

Violence on buildings.

He also appeared to refer to the East Wing as a “historical figure.”

I had always thought the East Wing was a building.

Now I know better.

It’s a historical figure.

And apparently President Donald Trump has a proclivity for committing violence against historical figures that are buildings.

This is why we listen to Congress. You learn things.

That’s when I realized we have a much bigger problem in this country.

Princess Diana.

I’ve seen the pictures.

Diana can walk into a perfectly peaceful room, take one look around and decide it has to go.

Then she brings in people to do the dirty work.

Cabinets ripped out.

Walls torn apart.

Floors attacked.

Entire kitchens left unrecognizable.

Violence.

Princess Diana is basically the queen of renovation.

Forget policy. This woman needs her own HGTV show.

“Princess Diana: Violence Against Buildings.”

Every week she could enter another unsuspecting American home.

“This kitchen was built in 1987.”

Not anymore.

Sledgehammer.

Violence.

And Diana isn’t the only offender in our little kingdom.

The Duchess of Dirt does it.

The Countess of Conspiracy does it.

Lady Benedict does it.

America’s Small Caffeinated Mom Rhonda Schrock does it.

These women are apparently running a nationwide building-violence syndicate.
One woman actually texted the show after hearing me say women were among America’s worst offenders against buildings.

“Seriously?”

She wanted proof.

Ma’am, I have pictures.

Before.

After.

Somewhere between those two photographs, unspeakable things happened to drywall.

I’m beginning to think the next time Princess Diana starts a renovation, a social worker should be dispatched.

Maybe restorative justice.

Diana can sit in a circle with the kitchen.

The kitchen can explain how it felt when Diana ordered somebody to rip out the cabinets.

Diana can acknowledge the harm she caused.

There can be healing.

Then she can install the quartz countertops.

This is America.

We believe in second chances.

Of course, Thursday’s show had a slightly different sound because Karolos was off traveling the world again.

Kevin was sitting in.

And while discussing violence, I discovered something else about Kevin.

He watches football.

Violence!

He has also watched boxing on television, although apparently real boxing disappointed him because it wasn’t enough like Rocky.

Where’s the music?

Where are the dramatic cutaways?

Why is nobody training by punching sides of beef?

Kevin discovered that actual sporting events do not come with a movie soundtrack.

I don’t know how he recovered.

Fortunately, Kevin knows music.

Thursday marked the anniversary of the death of J.D. Souther, one of those people whose fingerprints are all over songs everybody knows.

“Best of My Love.”

“Heartache Tonight.”

“New Kid in Town.”

“Her Town Too” with James Taylor.

That’s quite a résumé.

By the end of the hour, however, I kept coming back to our newest Washington phrase.

Violence against buildings.

We have reached the point where remodeling can apparently be described using the vocabulary of criminal assault.

That’s going to make HGTV much more exciting.

“Tonight: A suburban mother commits unspeakable violence against a 1994 guest bathroom.”

I’d watch.

And Princess Diana?

I’m keeping an eye on her.

If she suddenly appears carrying paint samples and starts talking about an open floor plan, somebody call the authorities.

There’s about to be violence.

— Bo Snerdley