TOTAL BS!
MIAMI — Former Cuban dictator Raúl Castro’s plans to spend his golden years in sunny Florida have encountered an unexpected complication after state officials offered the 95-year-old communist a complimentary retirement package featuring three meals a day, free transportation and a room that locks from the outside.
According to retirement consultant Skip N. Bail, Castro became interested in Florida after learning about its warm weather, generous senior discounts and large Cuban-speaking population.
“He was especially excited about Miami,” Bail explained. “He liked the idea of living around so many Cubans. We didn’t have the heart to explain why most of them left.”
Castro’s enthusiasm reportedly increased when he received a brochure advertising an exclusive government-funded residential community offering around-the-clock security, complimentary uniforms, supervised recreation and absolutely no property taxes.
The brochure, titled “Florida Forever: Your Last Retirement Destination,” contained just one unusual provision: “Residents may check in at any time. Checkout privileges are subject to judicial approval.”
Bail said Castro was initially delighted.
“Raúl spent his entire adult life making sure people couldn’t leave Cuba without permission. When we told him Florida had a place where nobody could leave without permission, he thought he’d found paradise.”
The misunderstanding surfaced after Florida obtained a no-bond arrest warrant charging Castro with conspiracy to commit first-degree murder in connection with the 1996 shootdown of two Brothers to the Rescue aircraft.
Florida corrections hospitality director Warren T. Keyes confirmed that Castro qualified for the state’s most secure senior accommodations.
“There’s no free market, nobody owns their own apartment, everything is government-issued, and the administration makes practically every decision for you,” Keyes explained.
“It’s the closest thing to Cuban communism we’ve ever offered in Florida.”
Castro reportedly requested an oceanfront suite, a swimming pool and a senior discount.
Officials assured him that residents enjoyed excellent views of the exercise yard through reinforced windows and that accommodations were provided entirely at taxpayer expense.
When Castro asked whether his reservation was refundable, his travel agent, Anita Exit, advised him to consult the judge.
Meanwhile, Castro is reportedly reconsidering the move after learning that Miami’s Cuban-American community might not organize the welcome parade he had anticipated.
“He asked whether the locals would recognize him,” Bail said. “We told him recognition was practically guaranteed.”
TOTAL BS is SATIRE. For the real story, READ: Florida orders Raúl Castro’s arrest for murder conspiracy — 30 years after Cuban jets killed four Americans
