TOTAL BS!
WASHINGTON — After years of focus groups, messaging retreats and urgent conversations about “meeting voters where they are,” Democratic consultants have discovered that where voters are is approximately three beers away.
The Center for Accessible Progressive Messaging announced its breakthrough after Indiana Democratic candidate Jaime West acknowledged having three beers before a viral appearance in which she promised to fire all Republicans.
“We’ve spent $47 million trying to get a candidate to speak without sounding like a grant application,” said executive director Bud Briefing. “This woman accomplished it with a trip to the refrigerator.”
Under the new program, candidates progress through three carefully calibrated stages.
The first beer produces a heartfelt statement about protecting democracy.
The second produces a heartfelt statement about protecting democracy from the people who keep voting wrong.
The third eliminates the need for a communications director.
“Previously, a candidate might say, ‘We must address the structural barriers preventing equitable civic participation,’” Briefing explained. “Now they point across the room and say, ‘That guy. He’s the problem.’”
The center’s search committee identified former bartender Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as its preferred choice to head the program.
“We need someone with experience serving people who become experts on the economy after three drinks,” Briefing said. “Her résumé covers both sides of the bar.”
Early testing showed dramatic improvements in message retention. Voters who could not remember a single item in a forty-page economic agenda recalled the entire beer-assisted presentation, including portions delivered while somebody tried to take away the microphone.
The center’s research director, Stella Draft, called the results historic. “For the first time, our candidates are saying what they mean,” she said. “Obviously, legal would prefer they stop.”
Campaign operatives initially raised concerns about the program’s lack of policy substance. Those concerns were withdrawn after researchers compared it with the existing program.
A fourth beer was briefly considered but rejected when a test candidate announced he could personally fix the Electoral College with a pool noodle.
Republican strategists urged Democrats to expand the initiative nationwide and offered to supply ice.
The training has already generated intense interest among Democratic donors, who were delighted to learn that the next fundraising retreat would feature an open bar with a measurable outcome.
Participants will still receive the customary tote bag. It now contains pretzels.
At press time, the center had canceled its afternoon seminar on authenticity after discovering that every graduate had independently developed the same position: They were perfectly fine to do another interview.
TOTAL BS is SATIRE based on real news! For the real story READ: Democrat admits to three beers before viral ‘we have guns too’ rant vowing to fire all Republicans
