TOTAL BS!
NEW YORK — A Democratic Socialists of America speed-dating event was temporarily halted after organizers discovered that attractive participants were receiving significantly more romantic interest than everyone else.
Officials immediately ordered the matches redistributed.
The controversy erupted during a real DSA “Socialist Speed Dating” event, part of the organization’s growing effort to attract young people through social gatherings including Coffee With Comrades, socialist softball, karaoke, beach days and happy hours.
Organizers have argued that modern dating has become increasingly controlled by for-profit companies in the era of “late-stage capitalism.”
But shortly after dating began, organizers discovered an even more troubling form of inequality.
Some people were hot.
“We had one participant receive seven phone numbers while another received none,” event coordinator Rosa Luxembourg explained. “That’s not romance. That’s hoarding.”
Under emergency rules adopted during the event, nobody may now possess more than two romantic prospects at one time.
Any excess matches must be surrendered to the collective.
Participants are also prohibited from using phrases such as “my girlfriend” or “my boyfriend,” which organizers say reinforce antiquated notions of private ownership.
The preferred term is “our partner.”
Problems continued when several participants attempted to choose whom they found attractive.
Organizers quickly identified that practice as a marketplace. “People were competing for desirable partners based on appearance, personality and chemistry,” Luxembourg said. “It was basically Tinder with no worker protections.”
A new system was immediately introduced in which romantic partners are assigned according to need.
Participants may appeal their assignment to the Dating Equity Committee, although officials cautioned that nobody is entitled to someone who looks like Pedro Pascal.
By the end of the evening, organizers declared the experiment a success.
Everyone left equally disappointed.
This is TOTAL BS — satire inspired by the very real “Socialist Speed Dating” events and DSA’s growing use of social gatherings to build its movement. The news is real. The TOTAL BS is intentional.
For the real BS read this — Socialists have a new recruiting tool: Speed dating
